Let me devour what's inside you.
-- 'Please Please Please,' Head Automatica

Party People,

A group of 5 men in yellow hardhats stood around. Their bellies distended and eyes squinted in enjoyment and their thick necks and faces were red with mirth. They laughed. Another man in a hard hat swung the axe at the tree and the shaft bit back and hurt his hands as the blade slammed against the tree trunk and just ricocheted back with only a loud pop but without any cut to the bark.

"Guddam," the man said. He dropped the axe handle and shook out his hands.

The tree, in the middle of the road, had grown as tall as a two story building. Its canopy reached across both sides of the street to cover the sidewalk and this city block was left in shade.



They had blocked this portion of the street and detoured traffic to go around. The people of this city weren't happy.

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Going Green A Nuisance?

Today, city workers are finding a nuisance in form of a large tree, which had mysteriously sprang up in the middle of one of the city's main thorough ways. Currently, no one knows how the tree got there, but they want it out of there, now.

Yeah, as you see, it stands there right in the middle of Main like a stubborn bastard, ooop. Can I say bastard on TV?

That's Main Street. Officials say that all attempts to cut the tree down have been unsuccessful. From electric saws to swinging a plain hand axe at the thing. It just won't come down. They've now decided to use a bulldozer. This, however, will mean that portion of Main Street will be closed while they uproot the tree, and then repair the asphalt.

All who take Main to work or those heading into Downtown this weekend for a bit of shopping, you might want to take the backstreets and prepare for some light traffic.

Just look at that thing. Massive. That's one stubborn you-know-what, isn't it? What? I'm not going to say it. You heard the man. Hehehe.

Next we have live feed from the City Zoo where Brian Fantana has an update on pregnancy of Ling the Panda, Brian. . .



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Bulldozers are cool. I've never seen one before. It sounds like a tank coming in. A number of us had stopped to see them trying to take down the tree. Just heard about it this morning. Apparently it was such a big thing. A tree grown out of Main Street.

Dave and I somehow got to the front of the crowd that had gathered to murmur on the sidewalk. Such a big production. The had yellow caution tape up and squad cars in the background with their red and blue's flashing. Officers stood here and there watching things. A crew of fat workers in hardhats loafing around shooting the shit.

Dave said, "a heavy saw, you know the one they use on those big redwoods in the forests, blades look like plates. They went at it with a heavy saw and the thing just broke down. The blade bent and sparks and all that. Smoke. And on the tree not even a scratch."

"You really believe that? This is a tree we're talking about here."

"I don't know."

"How'd the tree even get here? Isn't there someone supposed to watch for things like this. Our tax money goes somewhere, right?"

Someone down the way began yelling. A woman. "Hey. We understand that the road needs to be clear. But, you better replant it somewhere. Keep this thing alive. They keep sick prisoners on death row alive. You can keep the tree alive and safe. Keep the tree safe. Keep the tree safe." A few people there began chanting with her.

Environmental nuts. I understood then why there were so many officers there. The police stared out at the crowd with taciturn eyes. I looked trying to see the woman but there were so many people. All I saw was a picket sign bobbing above the heads, simply said SAVE THE TREES PLEASE. Soon everyone started pushing up behind me when the bulldozer sounded, rumbling some few blocks away. I was excited. Bulldozer.



All heads turned toward the sound and quiet set in among the onlookers. Dave and I were quiet too. I thought how much of a life I didn't have. Saturday afternoon, standing here just to see a tree taken down. Somewhere someone was zip lining over a hot jungle in a semi-dangerous harness prepared by third-world inhabitants. Somewhere else someone else was in the middle of great sex. How could I get my thrills just from a tree?

Under the cover of the bulldozer's grumble, getting louder as it got closer, there was suddenly another sound just beneath my feet. Like rope tightening. I glanced down and saw the sidewalk and the shoes of those standing on either side of me. The bulldozer got louder and louder, grumbling and grumbling, it came in sight and the woman yelled again.

"Take it down responsibly. Outrage if you destroy that tree."

"Shut up," someone else said.

"You shut up."

"I hope it goes down fast."

"Heartless biggot. Keep the tree safe. Keep the tree safe."

What was that sound? I looked back down and that tightening sound underfoot continued. I saw nothing. Something under the sidewalk. I looked at the tree. Then at the bulldozer which was rolling up and its claw lifting like a warrior's hand telling its opponent to bring it on.

"Did you hear that?"

"What?" Dave said.

That tightening sound wouldn't stop. And the bulldozer was coming.

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She secretly wanted to see destruction. Whether it was the uprooting of the tree and the rubble of the asphalt and dirt clinging to the massive roots which looked like rugged tentacles or somehow the bulldozer in meeting the indestructible stubborn tree smashing against the immovable trunk and breaking down, the claw bending back, the cage with the operator inside crushing against the bark and the operator bursting like a squeezed balloon full of blood, and smoke puffing out of the engine before it all just crumbles. Preferably she wanted to see that, where the bulldozer breaks down. There was more destruction in that. But none of it happened. The claw just pushed up against the wood. The engine of the bulldozer revved hard. The crowd around her cooed a little. Then the front wheels of the bulldozer lifted off the ground, came back to the ground, lifted, then came back down again. Then they stopped. All the workers stood around scratching their heads. A police officer went to talk to the foreman. All of a sudden a loud chatter and hissing of walkie talkies.

She was really, really disappointed.

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"Indestructible."

"Really."

"Really."

"Nothing can take that thing down."

"I wonder what they're going to do now."

"Should take explosives to the thing."

"Ooo. Yeah. Like satchel charges. All around the base."

"Booom."

"Yeah."

"Must have some strong roots."

"Must have."

"Shit."

"Shit."

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It digs its claws into the earth. The loam feels good against its skin. Those little things that scurry about its stomach tickle and make it laugh inside. But it can feel their anger too. Something that they can't control. Soon it will change, however. Soon they will change. Or die.